The Mental Pt. 2

(Verse 1)

Thoughts runnin' through my mind, Inception design 
I control time, create my own dreams 
Check the uniform, I'm with the road team 
That's the enemy, I do my own thing

These first 4 bars really serve to set the stage for the song as a whole, much like a thesis statement provides the purpose of an academic paper in the first paragraph - The confusion and back and forth that's going on in the individual's mind begins here. "Thoughts runnin' through my mind" is meant to be taken both figuratively and literally. Akin to the premise of the movie inception, I have all of these conflicting thoughts, but there's also a paranoia that an actual person is racing through my mind to plant an idea that's not mine. Then, in the second line, I quickly take back control, vowing to not let anyone else control my time, dreams, or thoughts. Then, being "with the road team" is a metaphor for being the underdog. Nobody thinks that I can take back control of my life and many people have grown to hate me for allowing temptations to become a part of it, as a result of success. But I say that "I do my own thing" as a way of saying that no matter how hated I am, I'm not here to convince people that they should like me, I'm here to do what I believe is best and to act in accordance with what is right and just. Using this metaphor really stemmed from my playing sports growing up. So much of my success in anything in life has been from having a chip on my shoulder and doing what people said that I could not. In that sense, I love the imagery that this line creates in walking into a basketball arena, where every fan is booing you, and knocking down the game winning shot. It's always seemed like sweet justice to me for others having hate for another individual.

Underdog, not supposed to succeed 
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the plush things 
But more so educated, money's not a motivator 
Tell me how you stop me? Not influenced by how much I'm makin'

Here’s where it’s implied that I let some of the temptations of the “plush things” take over my life as I garnered success. But I dispel the opinion that those are important to me by saying that yes, I enjoy nice things, as they serve as a rewards and reminders of my hard work and what it's taken to get where I’m at. However, in reality, I’m driven entirely by just the opposite. If I lost everything material, it wouldn’t matter. So, it follows that, just like anything, a person who has nothing to lose is in an advantageous position in comparison to their competitors because there are suddenly no other considerations other than attaining the goal. And that’s what I’m saying here – I don’t give a fuck about money, I care about education, knowledge, and power, and I’m going to continue to gain those things at any cost. Just like the many powerful and frightening villains in stories who have lost everything, people can become animals, monsters. So, I say how are you gonna stop my talent and progression in this business when everyone else is doing it to make a living, but I’m doing it to do it and to become great at it.

The result’s a shift in paradigm 
But don't get it flipped, still with a pair of dimes 
They don't get it, I just did it for the opposite 
Tried to be a prophet, but somehow, I profited

So, now a paradigm shift has occurred, as a result of my assumptions about the world and what's right being altered, with my newfound attitude that I no longer care about the money, I only care about being great, the entire landscape of not only my world, but the world of music/hip-hop has shifted with my shift in thought and what I've decided to become. In the very next line, I shift back once again and tell you that it’s true, I’m not about the material things. but I’m also not trying to say that I’m a saint, because I still and will continue to hang out with beautiful women and enjoy life, all while doing the right thing. I think that it's important to have outlets and things that make you happy, to keep you sane and prevent you from becoming callous. In line 3, even though I’m acknowledging the truth of my previous statement, I make it clear that even though I enjoy those things, it wasn’t my intention that in gaining success I would gain all of these residual luxuries. I was just trying to be a free thinker, somebody that was innovative and who drives discussion forward (a prophet), but somehow, I just received more tangible accolades in the form of money and women than the intangible things I intended to capture – success, pride, a sense of accomplishment. This back and forth serves to confuse and show just how fucked up this individual’s perspective and thought process is at the moment.

Now the money is all here to breed hate 
And I just wanna give it back, rebate 
If I could have you in my arms, I'd be straight 
All the memories erased to have a clean slate

Despite my good intentions, now the money is all here and a vicious, perpetual cycle has begun. I have all of this money and recognition, and regardless of whether or not it’s real or sustainable, everybody has the perception that I have it all, which will breed jealousy, which breeds hate. So now, I just want to give it back because it’s not worth the trouble that comes with it all. Just like a rebate in which you receive money back, I want to give everything back for my original self and for a change back to the way things used to be. What follows is the introduction of another important part of the storyteller’s past – a woman whom he loves. This serves to imply that he had to give up this woman’s love in pursuit of his goals, and now that he’s obtained his goals, he is remorseful for ever putting them above the person that he cared most about. And he despises his once passion now, because it cost him his chance at love. This introduction of the woman’s role hits on two very interesting points. 1. Distinguishing between love and lust. Lust is often appealing, until we no longer have love. And when we have love, we don’t appreciate it. In all reality, it seems that there’s no perfect balance of the two. Some married couples are miserable because their relationship no longer has the passion and fire. Some just need change because they get uninterested or curious. But many single people are miserable as well because everyone has an intrinsic need for the affection a significant other can give them. There’s no perfect solution to this, which is why I often have a pessimistic view on marriage, though would never dispel the notion that I may one day get married. 2. The inevitable trade-off between having a healthy relationship and having a fulfilling life outside of it. This is something I’ve had trouble dealing with as I’ve gotten better and better jobs and now moved to pursue a master’s degree that will set me up on a great career path for the rest of my life. But at what cost? I can name myriad sacrifices I’m making simply to attend school – money, professional experience, happiness, familiarity, comfort, and most importantly, time with my loved ones, whether it be friends, family, or a girlfriend. I ask myself often if being away at school is worth it. But the point isn’t to decide whether or not it is, or ultimately will be, because I may never know. The point is to acknowledge this imperfect tradeoff that most of us have to make. In my case, it’s whether to stay close to loved ones to spend my life with them at a job that will never make me happy, or to move away and have a job that makes me happy, but only have the opportunity to see my loved ones 2 or 3 times a year.

(Chorus)

All alone now, I can feel it 
With every gift, a curse, it's no secret 
Pressure's on me, the pain deepens 
Make you question all that you believe in

So what do you believe in? 
Huh? Baby I believe in the mental 
Aw, I'm caught up in the mental 
Aw, I'm so lost in the mental

As I gain more and more success and material things, I become more and more alone. It’s this gift of being talented and the gifts in the form of luxuries that are proving to be unanticipated curses. Further, with more and more success comes more and more pressure to perform. If you set a high standard, you have to live up to it. But if your passion or desire to succeed waivers, what do you do? And so the pain deepens when you can’t live up to expectations as you’ve disappointed yourself and those depending on you, which turns into hate for what you couldn’t do and what you used to be able to do. And it’s that cycle, those relationships, that make you begin to question the ways of the world. In logic, the more successful you become and more good that you do for others, the easier things should become. But it’s quite the opposite, oftentimes, a la, "more money, more problems." It’s that realization that makes you jaded and begins to break you down, "question all that you believe in." This ends with being caught up in "the mental," or my own thoughts, both literally, like Inception, and figuratively. When you see things you don’t think are fair or right, like the illogical relationship I just stated, you begin to lose confidence in what you were taught growing up. This is the narrator succumbing to that realization and that pain that comes with it throughout the song.

(Verse 2)

I'm all caught in all the tumult and torment 
So now I'm just prayin' that the storm ends 
Damn, my tempest has a temper 
All the memories, I don't wanna remember

This is a representation of the conflict that I’m dealing with. I’m caught in the middle of a storm, conflicting desires, and I’m done taking intiative. Sometimes, the storm is so strong, that all you can do is let it pass, rather than fight back. Then, I say “my tempest has a temper.” This is meant to be open to interpretation. My tempest could be my internal struggle, it could be the woman I alluded to earlier, it could be karma, or it could be all of them tormenting me at the same time. Nonetheless, saying my tempest has a temper is meant to personify  the storm, to mean that not only is it ultra intense, but that it also seeks vengeance for my past actions, my penitence is not enough, it's taking a personal vendetta against me to make sure that I suffer. Finally, I say that I don’t want to remember. This is an allusion both back to the woman I was talking about earlier and me wanting to start over in general. Without acknowledging the lessons I’ve learned from the pain, I’m just willing to erase it all to escape the current suffering. This thought is kind of driven by the fact that it’s so easy for people to be unappreciative of what they have until the reaper is at their doorstep. I can specifically reference a few encounters in my life in which I had lost sight of my blessing and was then thrust into a crisis, and I can remember, literally, uncontrollably saying “Please, God, please don’t let this happen.” Those are the moments that we find our true character. This is an example of someone who’s willing to do anything, even erase all of the memories that got him to where he’s at now, in order to make the current pain stop. That’s not sacrifice, but it’s a natural inkling that we have as humans.

  

I set fire to the images, we were so intimate 
They burn, but no way I'm forgettin' 'em 
All along, I thought I was so disciplined 
But, the more you know, the quicker you stop listenin'

We now move onto burning the images. It’s said in a tangible sense of actually setting fire to the images, but it’s meant to mean that I’m setting fire to the memories in my head to get rid of them. Then, intimacy is an allusion to the woman, now jumping from thought to thought schizophrenically. They burn, but they aren’t forgotten. This brings the concept full-circle as it lets you know I’m now talking about memories I was trying to burn or forget in my head, not real pictures. These images are actually now burned into my memory, and so, setting them on fire does no good. They’re there forever. But there’s also a sense of revenge in my voice. When I say “no way I’m forgettin’ ‘em,” it’s almost like I’m speaking to those in my past that wronged me and are the source of those images and am going to use the memories as motivation. This is in line with the Drew William character, who has a chip on his shoulder. Then I say “all along, I thought I was so disciplined,” this alludes to how most of us walk blindly through life thinking that we’re doing the right thing, when in fact, we aren’t. As I mentioned earlier, one’s perception is their reality. Something, I’ve picked up from business school is just how important experiencing other perspectives are. This is a perfect example, having those perspectives allows you to assess yourself more objectively and accurately. But in this song, I’m all alone, and I thought I was disciplined doing the right things, but here I am at the end of the road and I made all of these mistakes, I became the person I didn’t want to become. And it’s all because of this natural inclination to stop listening when you think you know it all. That’s one of the reasons why knowledge is a dangerous thing. Because it, often times, breeds complacency. Once you’re dubbed an "expert" on something, it’s difficult to maintain your desire to learn, because you’re the “expert” so, what do you have to learn from other non-experts? This is so very relevant in anything from politics to academia.

The alcohol just serves as a conduit 
The pain's comin' through, I stop, I can't do it 
A couple blondes can calm the nerves through him 
Either love what you're doin, or it's love you're pursuin'

And so here now, another temptation enters. Alcohol. I say it serves as a conduit. It makes me start to reveal some of my pain publicly. There’s usually always pain behind the fame and fortune that’s held in with celebrities. This is the same thing. You begin to sense some relief here as Drew is finally letting it all out. That’s the best way to deal with pain - to confront it and be honest with it. Just like how when you cried when you were little and your mom would say “Just let it out.” But then, just when you think Drew’s going to make a breakthrough, he pulls back, puts his guard back up, and says that’s he’s not ready yet. He then goes back to the same temptations and vices that he’s needed all along to help him deal with this pain as “a couple blondes can calm the nerves through him.” He’s made some progress throughout the record, but isn’t quite ready to take the final step. Finally, the last line in this stanza may be my favorite line that I've ever written. I think it perfectly encompasses the argument that I alluded to earlier. Nearly all of us are forced to make a decision about pursuing our career or dreams in some capacity or something more pure and sustainable, like love. Whether that be the love of a woman, or love of family and friends. Very few people have both - think about the people in your life. This is the tradeoff I’ve yet to come to grips with. Am I supposed to make myself happy during the day by working in a career that I like, or make myself happy the rest of the time by being around the people I love. Everybody’s answer is different, and for me and many others, I don’t know that there’s a correct one.

  

Tried to get both, it was all for naught 
She left me all alone, on my own, I thought 
But with great understanding comes great responsibility 
Now look how my abilities are fuckin' with me mentally

So, I reveal now that what got me to my current predicament is that I wasn’t able to choose one or the other. I tried to pursue my career and dreams and maintain my relationship with the woman whom a cared about, but it didn’t matter, because it’s impossible. And so, because I couldn’t fully commit to her, she left me all alone and on my own. Or, so I thought. This is meant to be another glimmer of hope as I say this because it’s indicative of my realizing that it wasn’t completely for naught, because I gained strength through abandonment. She left me alone, but I’m beginning to see the positive in these trials, things weren’t as they initially appeared. But with this understanding and ability to process complexity, comes an increased pressure in coming to grips with just how fucked up the world is. And so, really, it’s my ability to understand complexity and the mental aptitude that allows me to do so that’s “fuckin’ with me.” Because the ability serves to make me great and successful and you would think that someone like me has it all figured out. But, in fact, I'm only more confused and tortured than I was growing up, when I didn't have anything of my own and didn't have the ability to be good at mental tasks. It's the old adage of ignorance is bliss. The people I blamed earlier are still the source, but this shows an understanding that I have the capability to not allow others to affect me. This sets a nice note to end on leading into verse 3. I’m beginning to understand and am poised to break through.

  

(Verse 3)

See, they can box me in, what, try to define me

All of us have a chance, a moment to redefine us

I'm on my way up, to stay up, I'm climbin'

This is my progression, you'd think that I designed it

That brings us to verse 3. I love this verse – the aggressiveness, the cadence, the meaning, everything. Right from the jump, I begin to tear away the shackles that have burdened me, you can hear it in my voice. I acknowledge that when you’re successful, you under a microscope and everybody tries to define you or box you in without knowing much about you in reality. I truly and honestly believe that there are no more than 3 or 4 people on this earth that really know what I'm about. A couple of friends, maybe, and then my brother and parents. But sometimes, I even question whether they really know what I'm about. But here are my motivational words – all of us have an opportunity, whether it’s a moment, several events, or the rest of our lifetime to redefine who we are. No matter what your past is, you’ll have a shot at redemption or truth, to let everyone know the true you. So this is my ascension, to stay up. I continue to climb, vowing never to stoop to the levels that I had previously. The way that I’m ascending, with ease and rapidity, you would think that I completely re-seized control of my dream that the others were controlling before. It’s such a great break through, in fact, that you would think that I am charting this path sans any constraints. I’ve, in a sense, woken up from the dream and rid myself of those who were in my head, both figuratively and literally, attempting to plant an idea.

They can plant the seeds of self-doubt

Make it rain to grow, but I make it a drought

From no appetite, they turned me into a glutton

Now I'm only gettin' stronger with age, Benjamin Button

More motivational words. They can plant the seeds of self-doubt, just like they plant an idea in the movie, and it manifests. Meaning, you’re always going to have those people trying to make you doubt yourself, it’s a condition you have to live with in order to succeed.  I then, parallel the next line to the expression “make it rain.” They plant the idea, much like you would an actual flower. This doubt then causes you to succumb to temptation, in this case, “making it rain” with money and being involved in the lifestyle. Giving into that temptation begins a downward spiral. So that’s how the act of “making it rain” figuratively makes the idea grow, just as real rain makes a flower grow. But then I say, I’m refusing to let that happen as I “make it a drought.” That means I’m no longer giving into temptation, no longer allowing the self-doubt that they planted to fester. The third line then circles back to what I alluded to earlier – when one’s back is against the wall and his/her only motivation is accomplishing the goal, not any tangible reward, that person becomes an animal, a monster, almost unstoppable. So this is to say, I didn’t have the appetite to continue to succeed, I had no reason to go after “it,” whatever “it” may be. But, as a result of the hating and the negativity, the critics turned me from someone who had no desire to eat, to someone who eats just for the sake of eating, a dominant force. And now that you turned me into an insatiable glutton, I’m only going to continue to get stronger, because I remember the memories and the words I heard. This is a turning point, as I'm using the same memories that caused me pain earlier, into a positive source of motivation. So, instead of growing old and losing steam, as time passes, I’m only getting smarter, more talented, and more hungry, aging in reverse, like Benjamin Button.  

  

At my heart strings they pull, I feel 'em tuggin'

Emotions to the side, sometimes I say "Fuck it"

My ethos are froze, I'm not budgin'

The high price of fame just doesn't fit my budget

I still have these emotions stemming from  the mistakes I made, the woman I lost, etc. that I still can feel and which are pulling at me. I use the word heart in many of my songs. That's because I think that it's the one thing that each person has that's pure and true. Even for a criminal, their mind could be in a different place. But no matter what action their undertaking, they know deep down in their heart that what they're doing isn't right, they just aren't able to channel that inkling. I think the heart encompasses, in many ways, our purpose in life, and if we're more in touch with it, than our mind, we'll do the right thing. And so, the concept translates well in each of my songs, whether I'm talking about love or anything else. But this is me putting the past behind me and saying that I’m not going to let those things affect me any more, I’m pushing them to the side. Sometimes in life, you have no reasoning to support your logic, but you just have to say “fuck it” to get past an obstacle or do something that needs to be done. I say “my ethos are froze” to indicate that even though I went through these experiences and made some poor choices, my values are now solidified in doing good, unable to be changed, regardless of what temptation or deterrence you throw in front of me, “I’m not budgin’.” For all of the luxuries that come with fame, I mean to say that the price is too high because of what you must sacrifice. My budget has an allowance of only so far that I can push my values before I consider something to be wrong or unjust, and fame pushes past that boundary, so I’m no longer pursuing it.

She left her scent to haunt me, her love assaults me

But now I see the feelings were faulty

Never again, I promise, my honesty is a part of me

I oughta be the shit, but this is just who I've gotta be

That brings us to the last hump I have to get over, the woman who left me. I still remember her scent as if she just left moments ago. She’s my temptress, my "tempest" that I mention earlier. It’s as if she’s still near, just taunting me by leaving her scent to be a constant reminder of the mistakes I made and the sacrifices I wasn’t willing to make. And so, in that way, her love, which I could have had, "assaults" or punishes me every day with the thought of what could have been.

But in the next line, I gain that strength and courage back as I realize that I just need to say “fuck it.” If I was meant to be with her, I would be, regardless of the circumstances. So, I acknowledge that my feelings for her were actually faulty and I never really loved her, that’s the true reason why I was never able to commit to her.  But then I say, “never again, I promise,” meaning, never will I ever again lie and convince myself that I have feelings for a woman when I know deep down that I don’t. I was longing for nothing, in reality. And so, “my honesty is a part of me.” Another reference to staying true to my values and indicating that I have to be true and honest with myself before anyone else. Finally, I say “I oughta be the shit, but this is just who I’ve gotta be.” This serves to indicate that I’ve gained or have the potential to gain success and fortune and people see me and think that I’m “the shit” and have a great life, without knowing the pain and memories that I bear. I’m just like any other person. So I finally break and say, regardless of what everyone thinks, regardless of what’s cool, popular, regardless of what expectations accompany my reputation, I have to be true to myself. That last line is meant to be the take-away from this song. It gives you Drew William dealing with many of the same doubts that every one of us deal with on a continuous basis. He’s emotional, he’s confused, he’s questioning, even though he’s the one behind the microphone that, presumably, lives the life of an entertainer. But he’s just like everyone else. And he arrives at peace with his mistakes by realizing that he can atone for them and learn from the past to be the man who he wants to become, rather than allowing the past to define him.