Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Meaning Behind Catch-22

As you read, you can listen to and reference the song Catch-22 right here:

www.soundcloud.com/drewwilliam

Intro
The concept for this song really came about no sooner than the day I received the track from my brother. Musically, the track was so addictive to me. Which isn't strange in itself, but it was in that it wasn't a happy or energetic addiction in any way. It wasn't bringing about positive feelings within me. Rather, to me, it embodied all of these painful emotions - melancholy, heartbreak, regret, etc. But despite feeling those emotions that we all work to avoid, I couldn't pull myself away from the song, which was a little puzzling to me. But I think what I ultimately realized was that the song also has this underlying aggression and fight in it. And because of it, I thought the song really talked to me in the way that it made me feel very human, yet also very inspired.

My brother and I have had conversations before about how when we're feeling down or a little depressed, we both like to really embrace those feelings. We aren't the type to act like something bad didn't happen or counter how we're feeling with forced happiness. We like to (pardon my lack of tact) get intoxicated and really drown ourselves in sorrow. One thing my father has always told me is that you can't appreciate the good days without experiencing the bad. And I've always really tried to understand that.

But that is precisely what this track made me do, it made me feel full of sorrow, but I wanted to run towards it, not away from it. And as I went through the writing process, I took the way I was feeling while listening to that and applied the idea to this concept of a "catch-22" in the sense of love, which occurs when you wrongfully or regretfully fall in love with someone. The gist of the meaning is that we've most all had someone who we were (or thought we were) in love with who left us in some way or at least failed to reciprocate the feelings that we felt towards them. The catch-22 is that we feel as if we can't live on without them in our lives, but then if we run back to them or they fall back into our lives, we realize that we can't survive with them in our lives either. And this could be for myriad reasons, depending on the situation. So it follows that we shouldn't be in love with that person because it's simply not meant to be.

But the concept applies not only to one particular person, but the concept of being in love in general. It's something that I can't do with and I can't do without, it seems. I love the freedom and independence that comes with being single most of the time, but I also have many moments when I long for something more. When I wrote this song, I kept thinking about this definition of love that's out there...how love is, in many ways, illogical or counter-intuitive, borderline insanity physiologically. When you're in love, you do things that don't make sense or they go against what your brain would suggest is the best decision. So I took those ideas within the frame of a past relationship. I then wove in applicable experiences with other women to represent how I feel and what I've learned as an individual to this point to tell this story, which I believe many of you can relate to.    

(Verse 1)
Sittin back in my living room
With a little ice and a lot of goose
But really all I wanted was a little you

So we begin with a scene that has me sitting alone at home reflecting on what happened and how it all went wrong with my relationship. Also, thinking about what could have been and what I did wrong. I think that's the natural thought when something like this doesn't work out - what did I do wrong? But whether it's this situation or another, it often has nothing to do with us. Other people have their own issues and there uncontrollable external factors in this world. Yet, we all have this compulsion to place the bulk of the blame on ourselves. It's no coincidence that I'm sitting alone, that's how this breakup has left me, both literally and figuratively. As, I alluded to in the intro, this is me embracing the pain, drowning my sorrows in pure alcohol, without dilution. I play on these opposites of "a little" and "a lot." The first time to convey that I'm extremely intoxicated while I'm thinking/writing, the second to be kind of ironic in that I can have all of the vodka and physical things that I want, but I can't even have a little piece of this woman. And those intangible things - love, affection, commitment - are what really are important and worthwhile.

I guess it was a little too much to ask
I took a chance, showed my hand
Damn, wish that I could have that back
3 years of my life, could I have those too?

Continuing on with the opposites, I say (sarcastically) that I guess asking for even a little piece of her love was too much. Taking a chance, or 'showing my hand', like in poker, is meant to communicate that I put myself out there to this woman, either told her I loved her, asked her to marry me, etc...some type of commitment. And she rejected that offering in some way. Our first instinct when that happens is to want to take it back. But if we really didn't mean it, we wouldn't have done it in the first place. So that instinct is merely from embarrassment and shame. Though we should never be ashamed or embarrassed of being honest. That's one thing I really try to work on as an individual. Accepting inevitable failures and learning from them. And I not only ask for the commitment back because I feel foolish and very hurt that this woman didn't reciprocate, but I also ask for the last 3 years of my life back (sarcastically) because my reaction, since things didn't work out, is to treat all of the time I put into the relationship as a waste.

And that's on top of all the shit I knew
And all those lies, they become the truth
And all denial, it becomes the proof
As if I didn't already have enough shit to prove

This is where it's revealed that I was wrongfully in love. I was forcing the commitment I offered. The truth starts to pour out. The fact that this woman rejected me was really just the start. You're then lead to believe that I've known that she was unfaithful or used me and I chose to overlook it. All the lies I heard from other people I didn't want to believe. But now I'm willing to acknowledge their validity. All the denial that I had in considering what was really going on ultimately became the proof to me for how I was wrongfully in love with this woman. And so I vent that on top of all of these things I have to prove to myself - professionally, academically, personally, to family and friends, and all of the other pressures that come with life, she made me prove that she wasn't who I thought she was. And all of these things convey how I was caught in a Catch-22. I knew deep down that all of these things were true, but it still took me this long to finally convince me that I didn't love her.

So this is farewell
All that ink on the page represents what my lips couldn't tell ya
Man, I feel like a failure
What I knew so well lookin far from familiar

This stanza is a sign of a breakthrough for me, which really sets the tone for this rest of the song. Acknowledging that this was all my fault, not because I treated her wrongly, but because I allowed myself to believe that I was in love with her when I wasn't. And the song is sort of my vow to never allow it to happen again. So I end things once and for all, in the form of a letter. I write to her because 1: I'm angry with her and have no interest in speaking with her in person, but also 2: Because I know that if I see her, there's a chance that I may fall for her again and back into the catch-22. And now that I've vowed to never let this happen again, I'm still trying to make sense of it. I feel like a failure for letting myself feel the way I did about her because I thought that I knew her so well. Now that she's shown her true colors, I question whether or not I'll ever be able to really trust someone in that setting again.

(Hook)
You built me up and you broke me down but I knew
And all those whispers were only fiction but I knew
Still I’m missin you, wish it wasn’t true. But I'll do what I gotta do
And I can’t go back, either way I lose. Cause your love is a Catch-22

The hook is really a representation of my internal thoughts. I feel like with all of the ways this woman built me up and made me better, she caused more harm in breaking me down in the end. And I say, "but I knew" because all of the evidence was there, I just wasn't willing to acknowledge it. Then, I describe the catch-22. It's a lose-lose situation. I don't know if I can be happy with her or without her.

(Verse 2)
And All around I’m surrounded by the reminders of
What it was that surrounded my soul
Feel my heart getting cold 
Now it’s only getting colder

This stanza is intended to convey how even though I'm no longer in love with her, all I see around me is reminders of what used to be. And those are the things that make me long for her. I really let her love engulf me in the way that I wouldn't allow myself to see all of the bad things. And because of this heartbreak and the way I'm questioning myself, constantly surrounded by reminders of the pain, I feel less and less open to trusting anyone again.

But hold up, I gotta get control of it
All these notes and the potion 
Got me feelin so open when 
The only thing I really needed was closure I’m over it

So I stop myself and have a moment of clarity in which I realize that I can't let this experience cause me to become a cold person. It's just that a mixture of the musical notes in the song and the alcohol (potion) have me feeling so vulnerable and exposed to pain. Those are the reasons why I feel my heart continuing to get colder and colder. Which is the opposite of open, in another sense, and how I need closure to the relationship. Not to revisit it. But I declare through brute force that I'm over it.

I was wrong from the start, disregarded it all
Cause the brain can’t tell you what the heart can
And the world can’t tell you what the stars can
That’s how it goes when you think you got a starlet

I acknowledge that I was wrong in the way I felt from the very beginning. Signs were abound. But I couldn't understand it because I was thinking with my brain instead of relying on instinct and making decisions with my heart. Meaning, this was a beautiful girl, she was smart, had a good career, all characteristics of a person that you would fall in love with. That's what my mind told me. But had I really listened to my heart, I would've seen how wrong her actions were in the way she treated me and I wouldn't have been in love with her. Relatedly, you can't let the facts, rules, opinions of people in your environment dictate how you feel or what the right answer is for you. For much the same reason, I loved this woman because people around me liked her and told me she was perfect. But those people can't tell you how you should feel about someone, you have to rely on your intuition and emotions. The answers to our destinies I think are all with a higher power somewhere, not with the people around us. But when you think you have a starlet, or an attractive actress who looks like she has it all on the outside, it's easy to get caught up in her and difficult to follow your heart and the stars. 

But you’re an actress with a lot of practice
At the art of deception
Then you jumped when the dream fell down like Inception
I’m left with a mess and handful of questions

In reality, despite how she appears on the outside, a starlet is just an actress at the end of the day. That's her profession, but I mean it in the way that she lied and was deceptive. She's had a lot of practice in the way that she's manipulated others to get to where she is. And a lot of actresses do this in real life, so it's fitting. I see that now. She led me to believe that she believed in the dreams we shared. However, at the first sign of things going awry, she "jumped," or left me. I use the metaphor from the movie "Inception" here. Specifically, when Marion Cotillard, who plays Mal or the wife of Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie, jumps to her death from the ledge of a building. This line has many layers, however. I use 'the dream falls down' figuratively in the one sense, but also relate it to the way in which dreams in the movie crumble and fall down, literally, once the dreamer realizes it isn't real. So that, from the perspective of the woman who's the subject of the song, is the reason that she jumped. Because she didn't believe in us. From my perspective, however, I see who I thought she was to be the dream, projecting her into being someone who she wasn't. Because the woman I loved wouldn't have failed to believe in us ever. And she caused both her death and the death of our relationship because she didn't believe and trust in me. Finally, in the last line, you sense this defeat in what I say. She's the one who jumped, she's the one who left me, yet I'm the one who is suffering. I'm left with this mess and all of these questions pertaining to why would she do this and what did I do wrong? Much like what Cobb (DiCaprio) is left with in the movie. I found his situation to be a perfect example of what catch-22 meant to me. And he ultimately realizes at the end that he must leave her and rid himself of her memory, much like I realize that I have to.

(Hook)
You built me up and you broke me down but I knew
And all those whispers were only fiction but I knew
Still I’m missin you, wish it wasn’t true. But I'll do what I gotta do
And I can’t go back, either way I lose. Cause your love is a Catch-22

(Verse 3)
I’m exhausted, cause my thoughts of the past got baggage
More than average
So I put em on my back and I carry em on
But that weight is a little too strong for one man

The final verse examines the way I'm feeling through a metaphor using airports and traveling. The reason for this is that I've always been intrigued by airports because of how I feel when I'm in them and what they represent. Last year, I traveled to 5 countries and was in something like 9 time zones. It seemed that every other weekend I was flying somewhere. When I would be waiting for flights, all I could think about was how lonely it felt to be in this place waiting for a flight by myself. I would look around me and see people saying goodbye to family and friends, people looking lost or stressed rushing to flights. So I try to convey how I'm feeling about what this woman has done to me in that context. And how I feel is just so drained and exhausted mentally from even thinking about these questions I have and what I could have done differently. I believe that's how you get over those types of situations sometimes. You just have to reach a threshold by which it's just so straining mentally that you have no choice as a human to just block it out and forget about it. So I say I'm exhausted from that extra mental weight I've been carrying around from my past (baggage). It's more than average, not simply because I've experience heartbreak...everyone has, but because of me being inside of my own head and creating all of this extra weight that I've put on myself. So, I'm carrying both the weight from what she did to me and the weight I've put on myself onto the plane without checking any of the bags because I'm determined to fight through the pain. But, acknowledging that I'm carrying weight for two, I start to doubt whether I can continue on like this.

Now I’m so far from home
I used to never travel alone
But when the times got tough, and the bags got packed
You left me with the weight of the world


So, you're to presume that I'm now far from home by myself at an unknown airport. An unsettling feeling for certain. It's also meant to convey both that my relationship was home and now I'm far from it now that it's over. In another sense, its meant to convey that I'm in unfamiliar territory feeling like this and I don't feel like myself. Which is often how you feel after a breakup - unfamiliar and uncomfortable with yourself. Always questioning your actions. The reason I feel strange traveling now is I used to always travel with this woman, meaning, we would do everything together. But I feel a great sense of abandonment in the way I felt that she left at the first sign of trouble, not making the effort to work things out. And that abandonment has left me with not only her weight (packed bags), but also mine and the rest of what comes with experiencing a breakup (the weight of the world, all-inclusively).

Now I’m waitin at the same gate waitin for her
All departures, no arrivals
No taxis, no drivers. 
You hi-jacked my love, no survivors


This first line is intended to mean a couple of things. One, that I'm waiting at the same gate that I met her at - figuratively. Meaning, I feel like I'm back to square one and wasted all of that time and effort in the relationship. Second, that I'm waiting for the girl I once knew. The girl that I fell in love with at the beginning. So, I refer to the woman as "her" instead of "you." This is also me beginning to not acknowledge her presence. Now, to signify the way I feel abandoned, I say there are only outgoing flights. No taxis and no private drivers waiting for me to take me from the airport. You can imagine how that would feel. No way to get home or back to the way things used to be. Also, there are no arrivals, meaning she won't be coming back. The fact that there are only departures also is a sign that it's time for me to move on to a new place in my life. The last line leading into the last stanza of the song begins to communicate the fight and aggression I feel in leaving this all behind and onto something better. One, because it's what I'm supposed to and what I know I need to do. Two, because I have to. I have no choice because it's all become too much to handle on my own. In this aggression, I assign blame to her using the metaphor. She hijacked my love so there was nothing that I could do about it. And ultimately, the way she made me fall in love with her caused me to feel alone and like I couldn't survive when the relationship didn't work out.

So I’m droppin all your things, gettin on a plane
And leavin all the pain behind
That’s how you left and it didn’t seem right
But I’m a south paw I’m down for the fight

I then, defiantly, say that I'm forgetting about all of the pain she left me with. I won't carry it anymore. Even after the breakup, she had some sort of hold on me, but this is me finally leaving everything behind. So much so, that I'm actually getting on a plane to move to a new place with new opportunity, forgetting about the past. And what follows is, ironically, that's exactly how she left me in a sense - completely and unexpectedly. Much like I'm leaving my old feelings behind. This has a sentiment of karma to it. I'm a strong believer in it and the way she left me didn't seem right, or moral. It felt like she shouldn't have been allowed by the powers that be to leave like a coward and hurt me as she did. So I justify my up-and-leaving in the way that she left me. I play off of "right" in the moral sense, and flip it to "right" in the directional sense. So she hurt me right-handed, but unexpectedly, I'm left-handed (a south paw). So what goes around comes around. And with that, I'm willing to spar with her figuratively in exchanging blows because I believe leaving, in the end, is what's right for me.

(Hook 2X)
You built me up and you broke me down but I knew
And all those whispers were only fiction but I knew
Still I’m missin you, wish it wasn’t true. But I'll do what I gotta do
And I can’t go back, either way I lose. Cause your love is a Catch-22

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